Incredible Inedibles

One of the most interesting parts of being in a new culture is the things people eat. In the US we have a vast variety of foods from all over the world available to us, as we are a nation of immigrants, and because of this we may sometimes forget that in most countries the only things to eat are whatever the ethnic populace has to offer. Here, that means Turkish food. However, owing to the fact that Azerbaijan has, at different times throughout its extremely long history, been conquered, occupied, or inhabited by Mongols, Talish, Tatars, Persians, Arabs, Armenians and Russians (to name a few), there are a variety of different foods that have been adapted from these cultures.


In Azerbaijan, unlike in the US, there are six main food groups. They are: fruits and vegetables, meat, sugar, grease, bread, and tea. All of these are sure to be found in abundance at any Azeri meal. Eggs cooked at breakfast will usually be served swimming in a pool of grease that is equal to twice as much mass as the eggs themselves. The same goes for potatoes, pasta, and anything else that can be pan fried or have butter added to it in any way. Bread is served at every meal, usually with butter and cheese. In this part of the world bread is considered sacred, and is treated as such. None of it is wasted, and if a piece of bread is found laying the street, you will usually see someone go pick it up, kiss it three times, and then place it on top of a wall or windowsill so it won't be left on the ground. Along with bread, tea is served at all hours day and night, steaming hot. Iced tea is a foreign concept here, and considered to be unhealthy as Azeris think drinking cold liquids leads to illness. And instead of putting sugar in the tea as we do, a sugar cube is placed in the mouth and then tea is sipped through it. The final mealtime staple is sweets, which Azeris consume with such fervor that it leaves me seriously wondering how the majority of the population isn't diabetic.


As far as actual dishes go, they range from the delightfully tasty to the indescribably awful. Among the best is dolma, a mixture of rice and minced meat that is wrapped in cabbage or grape leaves and then boiled in a stock. This is by far the favorite Azeri food among all the Americans here. Also quite nice is doner, a grilled meat quite similar to gyros that can be found at most Mediterranean restaurants, which is served either in bread or lavash, a ubiquitous flatbread here that is like a cross between pita and a tortilla. Lahmajun, a staple of Turkish places here, is a flatbread pizza-like tasty treat which was, even though Azeris would never admit it, adapted from Armenia (or so I've read in my giant Russian cookbook). Furthermore, a huge variety of soups of all types are served everywhere all the time. In fact, with my host family I eat some sort of soup or stew at least once every day, sometimes for every meal. All of these are delightfully delicious, excepting one: the dreaded Xash. This evil concoction is a stew made from the head and bones of a cow. All parts of the head, brains and all, are cleaned and boiled in a pot for hours on end with the leg bones and hooves. The end product is a rank, gelatinous bowl of goo filled with unidentifiable hunks of meat which, due to being boiled for hours, are left which a texture comparable to extremely sticky, steaming-hot jello. I've been served this only once so far, and I made it through about a quarter bowl before I had to give up. I've eaten some worse things in my life (sea urchin roe comes to mind), but I gotta say it's in my top ten of nastiest things I've put in my mouth. My Azeri family and friends strongly disagree, saying that Xash is a hearty breakfast food that will make you big and strong. I told them if that's the case, I'd rather remain weak and scrawny, and I'll stick to eggs, sausage and potatoes for breakfast.